Brother
by Remedy for Chaos
Summary: M!Hawke/Carver. I was only twelve when it started. My brother... was the one who initiated it. To this day I don't regret it.
1. Chapter 1

Brother

Warning: This is a homosexual incestuous relationship between Hawke and Carver at your own risk.

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><p>I was only twelve when it started. My brother, most just called him <em>Hawke<em> despite that being my name as well, was the one who initiated it. To this day I don't regret it, but I still find myself keeping my mouth shut about it within the company of others. I enjoyed it, but perhaps that was one of the reasons why I never wanted to speak of it. It was, apparently, wrong.

We shared a room, just him and me in a small room with sparse décor. Two feathered beds, a singular writing desk and chair. Since we were young boys toys and clothes littered the floor despite mother's constant admonishing. "Clothes go in your closet!" she would say as threateningly as she could, but there was always a smile on her face, especially after Bethany would start giggling and say "boys are so icky!" Remembering back, her room was always spotless.

It was the night of my brother's fourteenth birthday, we had cake that mother had taken the whole day to bake. His presents, I remember well, were all practical things. A staff and tome from father - a "gift from one Mage to another", he said - a new pair of shoes from mother that she worked hard to get, and a pair of working gloves from Bethany. I got him nothing. I think that year I was angry at him for something he did. Oh yes, he hit me. I deserved it, of course! I nailed Bethany's braid to her bedpost. Mother had to cut her hair short and it made her look like a boy.

Maker I miss them…

Everyone else had gone to bed, it was just us, together in our room. He was flipping through the tome father had given him with a contemplative stare and I was watching him curiously. I was never magically inclined. I was the oddball of the family, and I never felt like I was the smartest person in the room. My brother always said I was smart, but I never knew if it was true or just… another part of him talking. Now I know what side it was, but I still have a hard time believing it.

"Quit staring at me." Hawke demanded, his eyes never leaving the tome as they continued scanning. He had father's eyes. I always envied him for that, since it made him look more Fereldan. My eyes were like mother's, I looked like a Marcher. I hated that.

"I'm not staring." I snapped back defensively. "I'm tired and I can't sleep because you're so loud!" He wasn't really loud, but as a little boy I always said that Hawke's very existence was _loud_. In a way it was, he was the light of everyone's eye. Perfect in every way.

"Fine." I remembered him saying before reaching over and blowing out the candle. "Good night."I laid down and turned my back to my brother thinking "finally".

The night didn't end there though. It always took me a long time to get to sleep, sometimes hours of just laying there. Tonight was no different. Perhaps I was laying there for only minutes, or perhaps it was hours, but either way I faintly heard Hawke slip from his bed. I was about to sit up and ask him what he was doing, my question was answered before I even asked. Slowly, carefully he lifted the covers of my bed and slipped in beside me, an arm snaking around my waist and pulling me close against him.

My heart quickened and I swallowed but it felt like there was a lump in my throat. "What are you doing brother?" I asked softly.

He shushed me and pressed his lips against my neck in a kiss. In a way I knew what he was doing. A year earlier Bethany had started her monthly and father had taken the time to explain to us both what was happening to our bodies at that tender age. I remember I was grossed out by it and I had ignored Bethany for days after that point. Still I don't remember father ever explaining the mechanics.

In a way I am glad he didn't. Learning them first hand was an interesting experience, even if most people wouldn't see it that way.

I can still feel Hawke's hand slipping between my night clothes and rubbing me between my legs, his erection taut against my back, his breath on my neck. Most would have probably started screaming, or crying, or fighting back. I just let it happen. I wanted it. Deep down I wanted it. I didn't know what "it" was at the time, I was only twelve and just barely able to get an erection, but I knew I wanted my brother all the same.

His tongue licked and sucked my earlobe as his hands worked to pull my night pants off. I vaguely remember helping him by kicking them off and onto the floor, I was much too interested in my brother's affectionate nibbling to care what was really happening. I know for a fact that at some point that he too took off his night pants, his flesh pressed against my thighs. I felt weird, electric really.

"Are you afraid?" he asked me.

The knot in my stomach said otherwise, but I told him "No, I'm not brother."

A second later I felt him entering in me. It hurt, but I refused to cry. He stopped playing with my hard-on and grabbed my hand, cooing sweet nothings into my ear as he pushed in further and further. I remember squeezing his hand so hard I thought it might break, a gasp escaping my lips and my eyes welling with tears when he was finally completely inside me.

Most other boys my age would have cried, I think. Cry louder than I did, anyways. It hurt, that first time. No lubricant, no preparation, not even magic. Still it was… perfect.

"Don't cry little brother. It will stop hurting, I promise."

I believed him, and he was right. After a moment it stopped hurting, and when he started to rock his hips in and out of me I started to feel something I never felt before. It was pleasure. Gratification.

I remember biting back noises, and I remember Hawke giving soft hums in my ear. His hand pulled away from mine and went back to rubbing my crotch, this time gripping my want and stroked along with his thrusts.

My hands grabbed the bed, the mattress, the pillow, whatever I could reach and gripping it until my knuckles hurt. Whatever I could do to keep from crying out. We didn't last long, I was the first to cum. My body shivered and I gave a strangled whisper, my muscles contorted and my toes curled. It was one of the best sensation of my life, seconded only to the warmth that filled me when my brother came inside me.

"Oh Marker…" I don't know if it was me that said that or Hawke, but one of use did. Perhaps it will always be a mystery, perhaps one day I will figure it out.

Either way, we had done it.

Made love, that is. I would never say that aloud, even as I got older I never said I "made love" with my brother. Instead I would always call it "the thing". Maybe my brother didn't like me calling it that, but he never voiced his concerns, should they have existed.

Slowly he pulled out of me and the warmth vanished. I was suddenly very tired and I wanted to sleep though Hawke couldn't let me. "You're bleeding." he said. "I need to heal you."

I didn't say anything, just rolled over on my stomach. Hawke's hands glowed with a faint blue light, whispering something I couldn't make out but had heard a thousand times before. Once he was finished he picked me up and carried me over to his bed and laid me down.

"Go to sleep little brother. I need to clean this up."

His voice was apologetic, but I didn't want an apology… I wanted someone to hold me. I didn't complain though, I didn't say anything. Just fell asleep.

The following morning I learned that Hawke stayed up the whole night, cleaning my bloodied sheets and trying to erase what had happened the night before. Hazily I heard Hawke in the kitchen with mother, explaining to her that last night we got into a fight and he punched my nose, causing me to bleed. I couldn't help but think it was an awful excuse, but perhaps it was because I knew what really happened.

Hawke was grounded for "hitting me". When I managed to finally get up that morning my backside burned. It took a lot to shake it off to walk normally but I did and I dressed. I was about to leave when Hawke came in, closing the door behind him and resting against it.

The shame on his face made me blush. Was I supposed to be angry? Upset? I didn't feel that way at all. I felt happy, I loved my brother.

"Mother and father think I gave you a nosebleed." He stated, his golden eyes giving me a fleeting glance before looking to the floor.

"I heard. That… _thing_ we did, are mother and father not supposed to know?" I feel stupid now for having asked that question, but when I was twelve it seemed like a fair enough inquiry. Apparently Hawke did too, since he answered in the sweetest voice I had heard from him since that night.

"No, they aren't. This is a secret between you and me, and we must never speak of it again."

"Does that mean we will never do it again?"

My brother looked taken aback by my question. Or maybe it was the look on my face. No matter the reason he gave me a sad smile and opened his arms for me to hug him. I ran into his arms and embraced him tightly. I never wanted to let him go.

While he never answered my question directly, I quickly learned the answer on my own. The days that followed were like normal, Bethany and I would go out and Hawke would watch over us, making sure we stayed clear of templars and giant spiders in the fields and woods surrounding Lothering. He would help thatch roofs or chop wood for neighbors while Bethany and I would pull the weeds from the gardens for a few coppers. Whenever we had free time we would play in the lake with some of the other children.

I never forgot my brother's touch, and late at night I would wait and hope to feel his arms around me again. My brother was always an enigma, rarely showing what was on his mind. Some days I couldn't help but feel like he had totally forgotten.

Five days later was the night it happened again. It was almost like a rerun of the first time, everyone else asleep and it was just us. The shyness of the first time was not gone; however he was far more sure of himself, I could tell from the first touch.

Just as before he crawled under the covers and threw his arm over my waist and pulled me close. He kissed my neck, nibbled my ear, felt my body. He dared to touch more than the previous night, his fingers ghosting over my nipples, drifting lazily down to my navel. Gradually he made his way back down to my pant line and started to pull them down. Again I helped kick them off, letting them fall to the floor. He kissed me once more before sitting up, taking his shirt off and throwing it over to his bed. I had seen my brother's chest before. Many times. But this night it was different. His muscles were getting bigger, more defined.

It makes me hot thinking about it.

I laid on my back, looking up at my brother. I didn't know what to do. He gave me a reassuring smile, taking my night shirt and pulling it up over my head, tossing it over the side of the bed. Again his hand drifted lazily down my chest and abdomen. I took in a sharp breath as he stopped just above my hardening member. I don't exactly remember how it happened, but the next moment he was underneath the covers, moving my legs over his shoulders. A second later I felt his tongue caressing and licking my entrance.

Being young I didn't know what else to do, a gave a small yelp. It felt good, very good, it was just a foreign feeling. My brother had to hold my legs apart to keep me from squeezing them together, he didn't seem to mind what with the way he was licking and giving soft kisses.

I couldn't tell you how long he was down there, but it was not long enough. Not to me. He shrugged my legs off his shoulders and moved above me, resting his hands on either side of my head to keep himself up. "This may hurt a little." His warning went to deaf ears and by the smirk on his face he knew as much. He sat back and grabbed my hips, pulling me onto his lap. He penetrated me in one swift movement, this time it did not hurt nearly as bad as it did our first time.

I bit my lip and he went deeper and deeper in me. Once he was fully inside me he grabbed my arms and pulled me up into a hug. We sat there in one another's arms for a long time, his breath hot against my neck. Gently he began to rock, his want hitting into me harder and harder with each push. I moaned and whined in ways I never had before, my whole body shivering and shaking.

My brother chuckled, biting my collarbone. "Be quiet little brother. Don't wake the whole house up." His voice was teasing, taunting, but he was right. It would have been awkward had our parents barged in on that.

Unable to contain myself I started biting my brother's neck, taking great care to only bite where our parents couldn't easily see under clothing. I might have been young, but I was smart enough to know that. In hindsight that probably wasn't such a good thing for a twelve year old to know.

My brother gasped at the biting, his pace quickened. Then it was like magic coursed through my body, causing every muscle to contract and loosen. I struggled to contain my scream and my fingers dug deep into his back. Then it happened again, and again. "Brother," I managed to squeak before I buried my head into the crook of his neck and biting, so hard I actually tasted blood.

Another quake ran through my body and I came, my desire coating his abdomen. With a few more short thrusts my body warmed and I knew my brother had come too.

We sat there, panting and sweating, clung to one another as though we feared we would drift away if we let go.

"So little brother, I think we should clean up." My brother whispered, pulling me off him. This time there was little blood, my brother must have cast a spell for me to go in easier though I never asked. And if he did he never told me.

He handled the clean up, kicking aside various toys and articles of clothing until he found an old blanket we had thrown in the corner after last winter. He used it to clean my semen from his abs before walking over and cleaning me up.

I remember thanking him, then asking if I could sleep with him.

Hawke agreed, asking if I needed help getting to his bed. I didn't bother answering, wearily getting from my bed and falling onto his, hugging his pillow and taking in his scent. He always smelled like father, like magic and wood and smoke. Though my brother's had a little something unique to him, it was a comforting smell. Like protection.

A moment later my brother joined me, bringing me close and kissing my forehead. It was the first time in a long time I fell asleep within minutes.

The following morning I woke up in my own bed, dressed and my brother gone. For a second I thought I had dreamt the entire thing, but as I got up I felt the familiar burning in my backside. Despite the pain I could not help but smile. I dressed for the day, joining everyone in the kitchen for breakfast to see my brother cooking. He looked over at me and asked how I slept.

I tried my best not to smile too much, my heart quickening. "Fine brother, you?"

"Good. Want some more eggs mother?"

The time between "the thing" happening was sporadic. Sometimes only a day or two would pass, sometimes a week or two, some months there was nothing but simple touches that lasted longer than they should, or longing eyes that shouldn't have been. This lasted for over a year, Bethany's and my birthday passed making us both thirteen years old. A few months before my birthday was when I noticed the first signs of my body changing, body hair in places where there used to be none, muscle definition, and voice changing.

My brother teased me over my voice cracking at the worst possible moments. Possibly the worst change were the hard-ons I would randomly get, causing one too many odd moments between my brother and I when nothing should have happened. We were cleaning dishes once and he handed me a plate to dry. Our eyes locked and the urge to kiss him was intense, I nearly did. If Bethany hadn't come in and offered to help I would have. Afterward was the most uncomfortable five minutes of my life. Shorter pants were not exactly welcomed.

At this point in our lives we never kissed, only made love. We came close several times, both while we were making love and while we were just doing daily chores or hanging out, but we never actually did. It was after the dish cleaning episode when I finally decided to take some charge in our relationship. If one could call it a relationship, I didn't know what to call it myself. One afternoon while Bethany was out with a friend of hers and our parents were in Lothering making purchases my brother and I were in our room.

He was at the writing desk, pouring over his tomes and murmuring things, his hands aglow with magic. I was cleaning the room, or trying to. It had been so long and there was so much that it seemed like every time I picked something up two more piles appeared. Finally giving up I walked over to my brother and put my arms around him, peering over his shoulder to look at the books. It was like he ignored my existence. I didn't mind, he did that often. He meant nothing personal by it, he really enjoyed magic.

I listened to him for a few more minutes until he relaxed, closing the tome and lacing his fingers with mine. "Just because you gave up with your activity doesn't mean I will give up with mine."

"I know, I wasn't expecting you to. Since you did I figured we could do something together." I said, giving a casual shrug.

Hawke shook his head. "Too risky. Someone could come home at any moment."

"We don't have to do the Thing. We could just go for a swim together."

He looked over his shoulder at me before smirking. He moved so quickly that my head spun, getting off the chair and turning around, pressing me against the adjacent wall. My arms were crossed over my chest, our fingers still interlaced. "You know how I get when we go swimming." He whispered in my ear causing chills to run down my body from his husky voice.

"That's the point." I replied honestly, locking my eyes with his. "I like it when you're touchy."

We stood there for a good minute before I pressed my lips to his. He reciprocated, tentative at first before letting go of my arms and placing his hands on either side of me against the wall. We pulled away for a moment, our eyes still on each other. Without missing a beat our lips locked again in a passionate and intense kiss, our tongues dancing together for dominance. My brother won, of course, pressing our bodies together in a sort of victory.

Suddenly Hawke pushed away, turning away from me and rubbing his temples. "Not right now Carver. I want to, I really do, but I can't."

I frowned, taking my brother's arm and pulled him back into a hug. "I understand brother. We don't want to run the risk of getting caught. Still, can we go out and go for a swim? I'll be good!"

My brother agreed after more begging and pleading and we headed to the Lothering lake. It was quiet, the only sounds were of the songbirds twittering in the air. We undressed to our underclothing, dipping our toes into the cool water. I looked over at my brother, biting my lower lip before taking off my remaining clothes, tossing them to my pile.

Hawke said nothing, just stared in amazement as I dove into the water. I looked over at him and he shook his head at me. "So much for being good." I heard him say.

He knew he lost and threw off his clothes and joined me in the water. We swam in circles around one another, our eyes never unlocking. Finally realizing that my brother wouldn't make the first move out in the open I drifted closer to him, closing the gap between us. He didn't respond negatively, if anything he wanted more. Maybe it was just the fact that I wanted more, Maker only knows.

I gave him a kiss, it was soft and innocent. Hawke was the one who deepened it, grabbing me and forcing his tongue into my mouth. I didn't mind obviously, teasing him back with my own tongue, my hands traveling below the water's surface feeling my brother's strong and rugged body.

We didn't do anything else, just kissed and allowed our hands to roam. After we finally got out of the water we laid in the sun-heated grass, letting the sun and air dry our bodies. I remember looking over and admiring my brother's body again.

We were interrupted by the giggles of girls behind us and we both jumped up and looked behind us. I remembered trying to cover myself but Hawke was always a bit more open with his body, why wouldn't he be? He was gorgeous even then. My face burned when I noticed it was one of my friends, Peaches, and her friend Lily. I scurried to grab my clothes, trying to throw them on and my brother took his sweet old time, looking over at the girls and giving them a wink. "Sorry ladies."

I was dressed but Hawke only had his pants on, still talking to the girls. I can't remember the conversation but I do remember Peaches getting closer than I would have liked.

"All right, I'll see you tonight then." My jaw dropped but I refused to look over just yet.

"Is it a date?" I heard Peaches giggle and I knew.

"Why wouldn't it be?" was Hawke's reply, I looked over in time to see him kiss her cheek.

I stomped off, angry at both my brother and my friend. I had known Peaches had a thing for my brother, she always giggled over him when she thought he wasn't listening, but my brother liked her too? What about me? Hawke came up behind me, looping his arm around mine as though nothing happened. I jerked it away from him. How dare he?

"Hey Carver, what's wrong?" He asked, grabbing my arm and pulling me into a stop. "Why are you so upset?"

I couldn't do anything other than look at him. I thought he was supposed to be smart? "You're going on a date with Peaches. Why?"

"Don't bite my head off little brother. It's just a date to get her off my back. I'll tell you everything that happens." I looked at his face and knew he was being truthful. Despite my anger and my jealousy I nodded.

Once we were home mother and father came home minutes after and my brother told them about his "date". Mother was ecstatic, father was proud of his son getting a date and he teased me about when I would be making the ladies swoon. It made me feel uncomfortable to say the least.

After night fell Hawke left and I went into our room, laying in his bed and waiting. It much have been well past midnight when he tip-toed into the bedroom and I immediately sat up.

"Didn't think you'd still be awake!" Hawke whispered to me. He took off his clothes and slipped in next to me and kissed my forehead. "We should get some sleep."

"No, you promised to tell me about your date. I want to hear about it. Now." My voice was darker than I wanted it to be but it did get my point across.

"You are incredibly demanding, you know that brother? I don't feel like fighting, so I'll tell you. We went to the lake and we swam and talked. Nothing big. We kissed and I almost got caught by some templars. Nothing interesting to report." His reply was snarky and snippy, but it was then I knew why. Templars tend to do that to him.

"I'm sorry brother, I should have just let you tell me in the morning…"

"It's ok. Let's just go to sleep?"

I laughed softly, laying back down on the bed and pulled him down next to me. "Ok big brother."

Come morning I woke up before my brother, a surprising feat. I watched my brother sleep for a moment, trying to picture him kissing Peaches and enjoying it. I knew Peaches probably did, but did my brother? Kissing his forehead I got up and dressed, going into the kitchen to see mother cooking breakfast. She looked over at me and smiled, asking if I was hungry.

I shook my head, pouring myself a glass of juice. What she said next surprised me to the point where I almost choked.

"Has your brother been brining girls into your room?"

Coughing and wiping my mouth I looked at her and turned red. "What makes you ask that?"

"No reason. Has he been?"

I shook my head. "Not that I've seen. The first time I've seen him with a girl was at the lake, Peaches…"

She kissed my cheek and ruffled my hair. "All right, forget I asked."

Later that day was when that little bit of trouble started. Mother came in to our room and asked me to leave. I looked over at my brother before leaving and closing the door behind me. Due to my curiosity I pressed my ear against the door and listened in.

Mother asked Hawke the same question she had asked me, about girls in the bedroom. He replied with a no. Then she asked if he had been masturbating. I didn't know if my brother was blushing but I knew I was. I heard my brother through the door saying "Mo_ther!_ This isn't exactly a conversation I would want to have with you!"

"Fine, talk to your father."

I moved away from the door and sat at the table, trying to look nonchalant as she came out. I could tell she was somewhat embarrassed but she didn't say anything to me. After I was sure mother wasn't going to go back in there I ran into the bedroom and closed the door behind me.

Hawke looked as though nothing had happened, flipping through his books quietly. I sat down on his bed, the one closest to the writing desk, and watch him. He didn't seem too happy about it but he didn't yell.

Finally I found the courage to speak. "I heard you and mother."

"I figured. It was incredibly awkward, guess she saw the blanket."

"I'm sorry brother." I found myself mumbling, I thought it was my fault.

"Don't. This isn't your fault Carver."

Still in a way it was.

Father and my brother talked to each other that night after mother's delicate prodding. I was forced to sit in and listen seeing as how I was a boy too. Over the course of the lecture my brother and I looked to each other and then away. My face burned and Hawke simply looked uncomfortable over the whole ordeal, once father was done with the entire "man's got needs" speech he left, leaving us in an uncomfortable air.

"That was incredibly awkward." My brother said, getting off his chair and stretching. "Looks like I will have to do laundry more often though, mother doesn't like cleaning our semen. That's abundantly clear."

Another year had passed and he became more careful with our practices. After Hawke's fifteenth birthday he hit a growth spurt and went from being taller than me to towering above me. I hit a small growth spurt but I was still shorter than he was. Hawke also started to grow a beard. I was a bit miffed by it because I couldn't seem to get anything more than peach fuzz on my own face.

He told me not to worry too much, I wouldn't look good with a beard anyways. That only miffed me more.

Thanks to Hawke's growing like a weed we had to buy him a new bed. It was actually a welcomed affair seeing as how it was becoming harder and harder to make love on our tiny little beds. The only downside was the fact we actually had to take our time and clean our room enough to place the bed in there.

The more time passed the more insatiable I became, the more I wanted it and the more risks I forced us to take to get it. It worked out well enough, he was careful and I was impulsive so we always managed to talk our way out of any sticky situation I threw us into. On more than one occasion we were making love in the Chantry. In broad daylight. Reckless? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Amazing? You better believe it.

Two years later was when it came crashing down. I should have seen it, I think I did I just didn't want to believe it. Father died. It was a senseless death, there was no reason behind it and yet he was dead.

We were all heart-broken. Even our mabari hound we got a year earlier was moping. Most nights mother would vanish into her room and we would hear her cry.

And cry. For hours.

My brother took it harder than Bethany or I did. He was now the man of the house, working to provide money for the family for food and clothes, having to watch over Bethany and me to make sure we were safe. It was hard on him and I just made it worse by wanting him. It got to the point where we were always fighting and yelling at one another over stupid things when the real problem was something we couldn't speak about openly.

Behind closed doors we were still at one another's throats and we still refused to talk about "the thing". Now it seems stupid that we were so unwilling to talk about it, but I was fifteen and stubborn. He was stubborn too, it was no excuse but it was the reason.

For three years our relationship sputtered out of control, we hit and we fought and we yelled and screamed. On the rare occasions we did have sex there was no love, just anger and resentment. We just wanted the release, we just wanted a few precious moments to believe it was like the old days, whatever. We wanted one another but the realization that it was impossible became more apparent as time went on.

After my eighteenth birthday the news of the Blight spread across Fereldan like a wildfire. Mother, Bethany, and Hawke all knew that if Ostagar fell Lothering would not be too far behind it, just as I did. I knew what I had to do and I told them I would be going to Ostagar to fight.

That's when things finally died, or at least that's what we told ourselves.

I was in our room, packing whatever I felt a needed. Medical supplies and light provisions mostly. Mother and Bethany had cried themselves to sleep in mother's room, I can still hear them in the back of my mind when I'm alone but I couldn't let their tears deter me, not at the time. They knew someone had to go off to war, and with Bethany's and Hawke's magic they would have been tossed into the Circle, or worse.

Hawke came in, locking the door behind him. I could feel his icy glare on the back of my neck but I refused to look over. He hadn't accepted it yet, I don't think he ever did. I wouldn't accept it if he had done the same.

"I can't protect you at Ostagar, Carver."

That was really rich coming from him. I knew that already, but I had to get out of his shadow somehow. For years I was willingly beneath him and now I wanted out. I wanted to be my own person. Maker I was stupid then.

"I know you can't brother. I don't want you to. Not that you've been protecting me for the past few years anyways." I snapped, turning to face him. He looked handsome as always in the soft candlelight, but I refused to cave in just yet.

"What is _that _supposed to mean?" His voice came out in a growl and I simply shrugged in a "you heard me" sort of way. "Carver you could have stopped me at _any_ time! You kept asking for it, so don't you dare blame that on me."

"You were the older brother, you should have known it was wrong. Andraste's ass you _knew_ it was wrong but you kept crawling into my bed and touching me. As far as I'm concerned it is all your fault!" I was lying through my teeth, I knew it. He knew it. We just wanted to fight, and I decided to bring up that touchy subject.

"You're right, I did know it was wrong but I didn't care. I loved you in a _very_ wrong, _very_ obscure way. Is that what you wanted to hear? Fine it's over." My face fell at his words. He wasn't just saying it to make me stay, he meant it.

What remained of our relationship was crumbling right before our eyes.

"You can't just do that Hawke! _Six years_ and that just isn't enough."

"Well what do you want? Me to turn back time? Kill myself? Hit you? What? There is nothing I can do to take back these past six years! I hoped that you wouldn't want to take them back either, but now that I know you do that's just going to weight on me for the rest of my life. There's nothing I can say or do to fix it."

I frowned and ran into my brother's arms, hugging him and afraid to let go. "I don't want to forget them." My voice was barely a whisper but I knew Hawke heard.

He kissed my head and held me close, and I knew he forgave me just as I forgave him. "I know Carver, but we do have to end this. We can't. Not anymore."

I knew he was right, we had to stop. I looked up at my brother, kissing him softly before I spoke. "You're right brother, but can we, just one last time?"

There was a long pause and I half expected him to say now, but to my surprise he nodded. "We will never get the chance to again and I would hate to have our last memory be of us hating one another."

He brought me over to the bed, gently pushing me down onto the mattress. Our lips connected in a kiss as he crawled on top of me, pulling my shirt up and feeling my stomach. His touch was electrifying against my skin and I could feel the love in him. It had been such a long time since I felt that.

Our final time only lasted a few minutes, the feeling of him inside of me more hallow than fulfilling because I knew I would never feel that again. A part of me wished I had never asked to make love again, but the other part of me knew that if I hasn't I would have regretted it. We gave one final kiss before he pulled out. I knew he was in the same turmoil I was in but we said nothing more.

We snuggled in for the night, not once did he let go as the night waned to morning. I knew because I never fell asleep. When the sun rose so did my brother. He saw the tired in my eyes and frowned, kissing me. "You should get going. Ostagar isn't going to wait."

I was out the door in an hour, my heart heavy and my head swimming. I heard Bethany behind me, yelling for me to have a safe return home.

I, and all of Fereldan, had no such luck.

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><p>Comment, flame, whatever.<br>Rewriting chapter two so I can expand on it easier. People want me to turn it into more of a story so I am.


	2. Chapter 2

Brother

Warning: Same as before.

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><p>The Blight overran us at Ostagar, the reinforcements withdrew from the field and left us there to die. That hardened me, more than anyone could imagine. Battered and beat, no hope left in anyone, I fled to Lothering. I had only been gone a month and I was running back to my brother for protection which he willingly gave without prejudice.<p>

He shames me with his kindness constantly.

We only managed to stay for a week before we had to flee, going to Kirkwall where my brother would eventually become known as the Champion. Perfect for him by far, but this is before then. Before getting to what would eventually be our home. Bethany died, trying to protect mother from an ogre. My brother felled the beast with very little help from my or even from our friend Aveline. My anger was misplaced and I blamed my brother for her death, if he could kill it so easily why hadn't he done it sooner? Such silly musings. Sadly he blamed himself as well and I felt awful for doing that to him, it was not his fault at all.

I knew it then, even with my overzealous belief of my brother's ability.

And our first year at Kirkwall wasn't all sunshine and rainbows either. We were forced into servitude by some dick Meeran. I can't be completely upset at him, it was my uncle Gamlen's fault but I can't really be upset at him either. It was just another thing I blamed blindly on my brother. I could see that my anger killed Hawke on the inside, yet I couldn't stop myself. I loved him, and he still loved me, but we weren't together. We couldn't be.

Maybe my anger drove him away, maybe he knew something I didn't, but either way he found himself a new lover of a sort. An elf. Their story isn't mine to tell but I know my brother was crazy over him, and I was still crazy over my brother. It hurt to see them together, even though most days they were at one another's throats trying to decide who should be playing leader. I wanted to win him back but no matter what I did he gently shot me down. I knew then I had to get away from my brother in order to get over him.

We planned to join a dwarf, Bartrand, on an expedition to the Deep Roads. With help from his brother and the friends we met along the way we managed to pull together the 50 sovereigns needed. The night before the expedition's start I talked with my brother. It was hard to do it, but I knew I had to.

"I'm going to join the Templars after we come back from the expedition." I said with my bravest face that I could muster.

My brother looked at me, the pain in his eyes screaming out to me but he never spoke it. "The templars? Carver I… is that wise? Is that what you want?"

I wanted to hug him and take it back but I knew I couldn't. I wouldn't allow myself to. "Yes brother, I'm sure it's what I want. I'm not going to insult your intelligence with the whole "I need to find my own way" rantings anymore. I still do want to find my own way, but I have to do it away from you. I can't sit by and watch you with another man and not be jealous. I need to get over you, for my sanity, for your's. I love you, but you don't love me anymore. Not like you used to."

My brother sat down on the floor, his head in his hands and looking as though he was about to cry. Perhaps he was crying, I don't remember. In a moment of weakness I knelt next to him and hugged him tightly. Mother and Gamlen could have walked in on us at any moment but I suppose my brother didn't care at that moment. He kissed me tenderly.

We didn't make love, just kissed. Swallowing the lump in my throat I crawled up to my bunk. "Good night brother." was the last thing I said to him.

I never made it to the Templar Order, obviously. While in the Deep Roads I contracted the Taint. If it hadn't been for Anders I would probably be a half-eaten carcass in the Roads, or worse. If you could get any worse than that. I never thanked him for that, I will never get the chance now but I hope he knows how grateful I am to him.

And if it weren't for my brother… He basically demanded Stroud to take me into the Grey Wardens. I hated my brother for doing that at first. I wanted to be a Templar so I would at least be in the same city as he was, but this was definitely for the better.

I saw my brother after I became a Grey Warden. I was pissed off at him still so I declined talking to him. Despite the time constraints Stroud admonished me for not taking a moment to tell my brother I didn't totally hate him. "After all," Stroud told me, "you or he could die at any moment." I knew he was right, but I also knew my brother wouldn't allow either of us to die without a final good bye. It is as though he has a sixth sense when someone he cares for he dying.

It was a week after seeing my brother during the Arishok attack when I got word of mother's death from Gamlen. I didn't give my brother even a moment to tell me about it. In a way I'm glad he didn't. It would have only soured the thirty seconds I had with my brother. And I would have blamed him for something he could not control.

The last time I saw my brother was when he was Champion, when he helped the Circle against Meredith. Not the templars mind you, just Meredith. She was fucking insane, even the Maker was looking at her in distaste I'm sure. I'm getting off track. I helped my brother in the battle against her. After all the animosity and hate between us he wanted me by his side as we took her down.

After we left Kirkwall after defeating the hag I was the first to leave the group to get back here to the Wardens. That and I couldn't face my brother in a one-on-one situation. I still love him, I'm crazy over him. That's why I can't be with you Nate. You see now don't you? Why I didn't, couldn't, get close to you?

I could see myself with you, loving you, but not when I need my brother's love as I do. Forgive me. Breaking up by letter probably isn't what you would have saw for us, probably isn't what you saw coming but that is how it is.

I'm sorry.

…

Nathaniel finished reading the letter, placing the pages down on the ground at his feet and sighing. It explained a lot, it really did. Carver was in love with his brother to the point where it was a disease. Worse than even than Taint. He swallowed hard and got off his seat by the fire, pacing around and ignoring the stares from his fellow Wardens. He mauled the story over in his head, picking the pages up again and heading towards Carver's tent.

He needed to talk to him personally. As he entered the tent he caught a surprised Carver off guard and nearly had his head taken off with the young man's sword. Realizing who it was Carver blushed, laying his weapon down carefully on his cot. "Nate, please don't right now."

His voice was pleading, begging even but Nathaniel refused to bend. He reached out and grabbed the boy's hand, waving the pages in his other hand. "You say you can see yourself loving me, so do it. It's odd that you see your brother that way but I don't care about that. Even if he wasn't your brother I can understand why you are afraid to move on. You never forget your first love, I'm willing to work with it."

Carver swallowed hard, taking the pages from Nate's hands and dropping them on the ground. "Are you really?" he asked, his voice timid compared to Nate's.

"Yes really. While in Amaranthine I never thought I would find love, but I did Carver and I refuse to let it go. Not without a fight. If I lose at least I will know I tried. I can't compete with the Champion of Kirkwall, but I'll try." Carver's eyes welled with tears as Nathaniel spoke, he wiped them away hurriedly and rested his head on the senior Warden's chest.

"All right, I'm willing to try if you are, Nate."

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><p>I ended up just dolling it up a bit.<br>Working on chapter three, it'll be out eventually. I'm shooting to make this a five chapter story.


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